


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 500

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [29]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 15:42:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6861160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When we last left our hero the hermit, Mace Windu discovered the existence of Luke Skywalker, son of the man that betrayed Mace, as well as the Empire. Wonder what Mace is going to do now???</p><p>Please check out RAMBLINGS new home at: www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 500

TATOOINE - Day 500:

"Are you understanding the words coming out of my fucking mouth?!"

"I will not let you harm one hair on that boy's head, Mace." I was growing tired of this argument. 

Mace looked around the Jundland Wastes as if the answer were hidden within its rocky terrain. 

"Listen Kenobi," he sounded calmer, "I know killing a toddler is some fucked-up repugnant shit. But it's got to be done!"

"You know who also killed toddlers, Mace? Anakin did. You want to be like him?"

"That's why the boy's got to die. He's gonna grow up and do the same ass shit!"

It wasn't easy getting Mace out of the Lars' dining room, not with Anakin's son staring right at him. But I made up some bogus excuse that I was having problems with the vaporator that he supposedly sold me. Plus, I added in something about him being able to return to the Lars homestead later to finish his business with Owen. I also gave Beru a look that said "Take Luke and run."

Now, as we walked slowly back towards my hut I gauged his words and thoughts, and I wondered how long it would be before I had to kill him. 

"He is the Chosen One," was all I could think to say. 

"Ah, that's bullshit Kenobi, and you know it. First his motherfuckin father is the Chosen One, then after that asshole cuts off my hand and leaves me for dead, you decide his motherfuckin son is it? My ass may be dumb Kenobi, but I ain't no dumbass."

"You should listen to reason, Mace."

Windu's dead eye nearly erupted from his weather beaten face. "And you should have listened when we told you not to train Anakin!"

"Luke is not his father." I moved closer to Mace to enunciate my point. 

"Don't do that! Don't you fucking do that! Don't blow this shit off!"

I took a step closer. 

"Man, you best back off, I'm getting a little pissed here." Mace began nervously rubbing his stub. 

I was desperate, so I tried a mind trick on him. "I will train the boy. He will grow to be a great Jedi."

Mace smiled. "That's an interesting point. Now please allow me to retort."

Within a flash he Force pulled the lightsaber from off my belt. 

"Well, well, well, Kenobi, looky what we have here." Mace was quite pleased with himself. "Now I got two lightsabers. The ultimate weapon for when you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucka in the goddamn room. Ha-HAAAA!"

"Mace," I began to panic, "he's just a boy, he doesn't deserve to die."

"Yes, he does deserve to die, and I hope he and his father burn in hell!" He began to pace around me. "Now, get on your knees Kenobi."

"I will not." I stood strong. "I will not allow you to kill him."

"Shit Kenobi! That's all you had to say."

Then I felt the hilt of a saber come down on the back of my head, and there was blackness. 

"Wake up Obi, before it's too late."

As I forced my eyes open the dual suns blinded me, but only for a moment. There, standing above me in a blue luminescence was Qui-Gon Jinn. 

"How long was I out for?" I asked my former Master. 

"Only a minute or so," he looked concerned, which couldn't be good. "If you hurry you might get there in time to save Luke."

I stood up, head pounding and thanked Qui-Gon. 

"Run, Obi, Run!" He called after me. 

I arrived back at the Lars place just in time to here Mace interrogating Owen. I stayed out of sight in order to assess the situation. 

"If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions. Got that Otto?"

"It's Owen, sir." 

I could hear the terror in Owen's voice. 

"I don't remember asking you a Goddamn thing, Otto!"

"Yes, s-s-sir."

"But tell me this, Otto. Why you be dressing like a motherfuckin Jedi?"

"I-I-I'm not."

"Don't bullshit me, Otto." I could sense Mace moving about in the next room. "You always had some wet dream to become a Jedi? Admit it."

"I-I-I-I..."

"Shut your face!" Mace yelled. Then I heard a saber ignite. "Now the moment of truth, Otto. The six million credit question, where you hiding the kid?"

"They left! Ok, they left!"

Even in the other room I could smell Owen urinating himself. I peeked around the corner and saw Mace leaning in, nearly touching noses with Owen. 

"Beru sensed that something was off between you and Kenobi, so she took the boy in the landspeeder and left for Mos Eisley. She was going to ask the Hutts to hide them."

"See Otto, I knew you could be reasonable. Now you don't have to die like a bitch, even though you do have to die."

I would have liked nothing more than to see Owen being decapitated, but I couldn't let Mace be the one to do it. So, I Force pulled my saber back from Mace's belt, and caught it as I leapt in between the two men. 

"Not today, Mace!" I commanded as our sabers clashed. 

"Oh thank you, thank you Kenobi!"

"Shut up!" Mace and I said in unison to the sniveling moisture farmer. 

Mace did a back flip, clearing enough room between us that he was able to run his mouth off again. 

"Tell me Otto, how does it feel to know that Kenobi is slipping his saber to your wife?"

I lunged at Mace, and as our sabers met, we were face to face in a test of strength. 

Mace projected his voice over me, still talking to Owen. "I guess if you were unable to perform with your wife, then maybe Otto, just maybe Kenobi was doing you a favor."

"You bastard!" Owen screamed like teenage girl, and before I knew it he was on my back. 

This broke my concentration just long enough for Mace to Force push the both of us over the living room furniture and across the room. 

As I shook off the several blows I received to my head, I heard Mace say, "Enough of this happy bantha shit, boys, I've got a speeder to catch." Then I felt the whooshing of his Force run. 

I tossed the coffee table off of me and stood up. Owen was desperately holding on to my ankle. "We will finish this another time." With my free leg I kicked him in the face, getting him to let go and knocking him out at the same time. 

Damn that felt good. 

I ran as fast as my legs and the Force would allow. The dust clouds before me made it easy to follow his lead. 

I got as far as Slauce Canyon when I saw that Mace had caught up to the landspeeder. As he ran beside it he used his saber, Anakin's saber, to slice one of the rear thrusters in half. The landspeeder spun out and came to a dead stop right before the cliff’s edge. 

I was almost there. The fate of the galaxy would be determined within a few seconds. 

Mace approached the battered vehicle. He stood at the passenger side and lifted the saber into the air. Still out of range, I closed my eyes. Time seemed to freeze. I lifted my saber from my belt and ignited it. Still with eyes closed I threw it and heard the whine of the blade going end over end. Just as Mace brought down the blue blade towards an unsuspecting Luke, my saber sliced off his left leg. 

Mace whaled and fell to the sand. Then an utterly barbaric sound boomed out of Mace Windu. "FUCK YOU KENOBI!!!"

I slowed my approach and pulled my saber back to me. Mace, realizing he was beat, dropped Anakin's saber and used his one good hand to pull himself up.

"It's over Mace," I warned, "you don't need to die."

Then he did the unexpected, he reached into the landspeeder and lifted Luke out. He looked around frantically until he formed his plan. 

"I'm sorry, did I break your concentration motherfucka?" He said, as he began hopping towards the cliff’s drop off. 

Beru screamed, and I begged him to reconsider. I told him if he killed that boy I would end his life as well. 

"But that's probably what you had in mind this whole time," I said mainly for my own benefit. 

"Well check out the big brain on Obi," he mocked. 

Just a few steps from the cliffs edge Mace Windu made his final mistake. He attempted to move Luke from one arm to the other, and during that fraction of a second when he no longer had a tight grip I was able to Force pull Luke out of his arms and send him flying into Beru's. However, at that same moment Mace pulled Anakin's dropped saber to himself. 

I immediately charged him, and knocked him back off the cliff. His one foot dangled above certain death, as I held onto his good arm, the one that was also holding Anakin's unlit lightsaber. 

"I'm going to take back that saber now and save it for Luke when he's old enough."

"And what about me, Kenobi? Are you suddenly a cold hearted motherfucka?" As Mace spoke he kept looking down, and panic washed over his face. 

"It's simple, Mace. I'm just going to let go."

A voice came from behind me. "No you're not." I glanced over my shoulder to discover Qui-Gon had returned. "It's not the Jedi way."

"The Jedi are no more," I replied. 

"Holy shit Kenobi, Force ghosts are real. I always thought that little green SOB was pulling my dick."

"You've fallen off the path, Master Windu," Qui-Gon said without judgement in his voice. 

"I want to get back on the right path guys," Mace pleaded. "I want to become one with the Force, I want to go with Qui-Gon."

Mace must have saw a moment of hesitation in my eyes, because he ignited Anakin's saber in a last ditch effort to defeat me. 

"No Mace," I said calmly, "the only place your going to is Jedi hell!"

Ignoring Qui-Gon's protests, I sliced Mace's wrist off, sending the lightsaber and Mace's hand into the air, and Mace into the chasm below. 

I caught the saber that was Luke's legacy. Beru who was still clinging to Luke ran over and embraced me. I held the two people that mattered most to me in the galaxy tightly, as if my life depended on it. Then I noticed Mace's hand beneath us in the sand and I casually gave it a light tap with my foot, sending it over the cliff’s edge. 

Qui-Gon had disappeared without a word, so Beru, Luke and myself spent the next few days and nights in Mos Eisley, enjoying each other's company and celebrating.


End file.
